“Cal, Zip Your Pants” and Other Thoughts We Had During Euphoria Tonight

she can’t feel a thing. But she must keep her secret–that she’s on drugs again–from her girlfriend, so she pretends that it feels “amazing” and finishes off the performance with an unconvincing climax. Jules is not fooled.

Jules tells Elliot about about the incident with a cringe-inducing impression and he suggests, maybe, she sucks at oral sex. In an uncomfortable exchange, he does a demonstration on her hand; then she gives it a try on his fist. One thing leads to another and they start kissing in his bed. (Not cool on Jules’ part, considering she was so insecure about Rue potentially cheating on her with Elliot.) Their makeout session is interrupted when Rue arrives at Elliot’s house.

Now, over to Nate’s mess. In one scene he’s visiting Maddy while she’s babysitting, reminiscing on their love and possibly heading toward a reunion. In the next, he’s in his room arguing with Cassie. She’s saying she wouldn’t have slept with him if she knew he and Maddy were getting back together (he insists they’re not), and she will do her best to keep them apart because their relationship is “toxic.”

He calls BS. Somewhere in the fray, he calls Cassie Maddy by accident. Nate can compare the two girls all he wants, but Cassie makes one thing clear: she’s crazier than her best friend, and he should be scared of that. (We already are, bestie.) As she storms out of his house, Nate has the audacity to tell Cassie “I love you.”

At Maddy’s birthday party, Cassie is pulling out all the stops–hosting the event at her house, setting out a customized cake, and gifting her a scrapbook of their friendship that sends them both crying. The sweet girls’ night will soon be interrupted by Nate. He’s at home ready to head over, but not before Cal–his head still bandaged from those Ash-inflicted wounds last episode–drunkenly mocks him before he leaves.

Meanwhile, Jules and Elliot are not being careful, resuming their make-out session while Rue is in! the! bathroom! When she returns, Rue kisses Elliot on a dare and he says they should make Jules jealous. Rue sighs “that was amazing,” like she did when she was hooking up with Jules. Jules notices and dares Elliot to lick her stomach. As if this boy has not done enough damage, he suggests that if they’re going to continue these “lesbian power games,” they should steal some liquor. That of course doesn’t go well; the store owner smashes Elliot’s car window as they drive away. It looks like they did get a case of hard seltzers, though.

Back at Maddy’s party, Kat confesses to the birthday girl that she “can’t fucking stand Ethan.” After dropping some tasteless slurs, Maddy gives her friend some wise advice: Do what feels good to you. Then, Nate arrives. He barely gives Cassie the time of day and gifts Maddy a Tiffany’s necklace.

Cassie is not handling this well. After a few more drinks, she makes an impromptu wardrobe change–into a strappy pink swimsuit that catches Nate’s eye. Lexi is concerned, and so are we.

Cal is a DUI waiting to happen. He swerves his way back to the bar where he danced with his high school best friend and–secret sweetheart–Derek for the first time in 25 years. On the jukebox, he plays “Drink Before the War” by Sinead O’Connor and starts slow dancing with a stranger who he imagines as his former love. “I thought I lost you,” he whispers.

Cassie is dancing alone to the same song at Maddy’s house, getting tangled in balloons while swigging champagne. Somehow she’s belting every word to this 1987 ballad–maybe her parents played a lot of Sinead at home while she was growing up? Looking on from a distance, Maddy calls the scene “tragic,” aptly.

Rue is now drinking while high in the car. Elliot is concerned that she’s mixing alcohol with other drugs. Jules is concerned that she’s even drinking at all, because she thinks Rue is staying sober. Rue snaps at them; she makes Elliot drop her off on the side of the road and walks the rest of the way home. Jules goes back to Elliot’s place to take a shower, then borrows a shirt, changes in front of him, and turns off her phone. Rue takes more drugs from her suitcase stash, sending us all shaking our heads.

Cassie stumbles into the hot tub with Nate, Maddy, and the girls. When someone mentions that Maddy and Nate are back together, the conversation goes something like this:

Maddy: “We’re not back together.”
Cassie: “You’re not?”
Nate: “No.”
Maddy: “I mean, I was gonna say no but why are you saying no?”
Nate: “Because we’re not?”
Maddy: “I know, but why are you being so definitive about it?”
Nate: “I wasn’t being definitive.”
Maddy: “It sounded like it.”

You get the picture. As the conversation escalates, Maddy calls Nate out for always gaslighting her, for begging her to take him back, telling her he loves her, asking her to move with him when they leave for college, saying she should marry him and have his babies. This is new to all of us–and especially for Cassie, who’s quietly getting crushed by Maddy’s every word. When she can't take it anymore, Cassie literally bursts–she throws up on everyone in the hot tub, sending the guests screaming and running away. Her mother drags her out of the water as she sobs and apologizes to Maddy for ruining everything.

At her lowest point of the night, Cassie is covered in tears and her own vomit, her mom escorting her up the stairs as Nate watches.

Back at Elliot’s house, Elliot reveals the truth to Jules: Rue is not sober. She’s been doing “everything from heroin to fentanyl to benzos” and he’s been taking the drugs with her. Jules is heartbroken.

Meanwhile, Rue is on a high. On her trip, she walks into a church with Labrinth singing gospel at the altar. When he embraces her, she imagines hugging her dad. She apologizes for letting him down. She misses him so much.

Cal gets thrown out of the bar for trying to wrestle his dance partner, and it's amazing he makes it back alive. But things quickly go downhill. He urinates in the foyer. He tells his wife he’s lonely and ignores his family’s requests to “put his dick away.” (Please man, just zip up your jeans.) Then, he starts revealing his secrets: “Do you know how many men I’ve fucked?” he puts it bluntly.

He tells his sons that he had sex with a man for the first time when Marsha, his wife, was pregnant with Aaron, the firstborn. When his family is in disbelief, he points out a double standard: If he said he took a stripper home and slept with her, they would’ve reacted differently. “I’ll fuck whoever I want, whenever I want,” he declares–referring to men, women, and trans people–“and I’ll have a mighty fine time doing it.” I mean, thanks for championing equity, Cal, but you’re still a monster.

Still, the distressed dad says living a double life isn’t his biggest regret; Nate is. (Ouch.) Aaron doesn’t go unscathed; Cal calls him out for the atrocious porn he found on his computer. On his way out the door, Cal blames his family for stifling him. “I’m not allowed to form an emotional connection. And I'm an emotional guy,” he says. He bids them goodbye, bringing nothing with him but the family portrait he took off the wall.

“I’ll see you assholes later.”

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