Mental Mondays: Helpful Ways To Break Out Of A Trauma Bond Relationship

relationship pulling you in and beclouding your senses. The toxic pattern has placed its anchor in your mind, and it’s almost like an addiction — that feeling when you know nicotine is bad for you, but you continue puffing while simultaneously googling the “health risks of a smoker.”

Just like American rapper Chingy‘s lyrics clearly states: “every time I try to leave, something keeps pulling me back, telling me I need you in my life…”, the relationship seems indispensable and impossible to leave, especially for the victim involved. That’s ultimately how toxic relationships present themselves. While others from “outside” watch in bewilderment, there’s no convincing the victim that there’s better out there.

What is a trauma bond relationship?

A trauma bond is a deep connection a victim develops for their abuser. This bond is a mental response to a repeated cycle of abuse, which could be a coping mechanism for trauma. This behavior fuels a longing for validation and love in the victim, and it only takes significant duress for the victim to break out of this psychological situation. It is sometimes mistaken for love, especially when the abuser exhibits a pattern of abuse and remorse. In this case, the victim begins to rationalize the abuser’s actions, and might start to feel pity and then, deep feelings for them.

While this is common in romantic relationships, it can be found in parent-child relationships, kidnapper-hostage situations, and most “relational captive” occurrences. Not all abused persons form trauma bonds, but it occurs mostly in situations where the abuser randomly acts remorseful. During this season of honeymoon revisitation, the abuser might become the victim’s source of comfort and care. The victim might start making excuses for the abuser’s actions while becoming dependent on the person.

An obvious type of trauma bond is Stockholm syndrome, where the hostages become attached to their captors. Some victims take it further and begin to breed resentment for the police and authorities whose job is to effect justice on culprits. This is also known as an abused-abuser relationship.

In romantic relationships, the bond might emanate from fear of financial stability, child custody, or being alone. Whatever the case may be, a victim of a trauma bond relationship might need more than the judging gaze of others and triggering words to coerce them to leave the relationship.

The stages of trauma bonding in romantic relationships…

#1. The love phase

Just like most new relationships, things start off chummy and lovey-dovey. It seems like Cupid finally shot without missing. The perpetrator injects a heavy dose of affection, and with this comes your crumbling defenses.

#2. Dependency phase

It’s natural to let down your guard and begin to depend on your partner for attention and sometimes validation. At this point, you feel like you don’t need anybody else, because “all I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend”. Ironically, the abuser starts cutting off the supply on the love and affection they once supplied generously, and you, like a child that needs more candy, continue to yearn for more and more while trying to be of your best behavior.

#3. Criticism

Nobody prepares you for this stage. It seems like being jolted back to reality, but you blatantly refuse to wake up. At first, it looks like the normal misunderstanding every couple faces during the getting-to-know-each-other phase. (S)he is beginning to criticize everything you are and do, and things are becoming tiring.

#4. Manipulation and control

At this point, the abuser has a full grip on the victim’s self-esteem and emotions. The victim is confused and almost convinced they’re the cause of the issues in the relationship. All efforts for conflict resolution are thrown in the mud with further criticism and blame.

#5. Resignation

Like some social media travel influencers would say; “…take me back…” as they reminisce about a vacation worth reliving, that’s how it feels for the victim. They lose their will to fight, all they want is a time travel into the initial love stage, and can do anything for “peace to reign.” They resign to fate and agree to any term the abuser enforces.

#6. Who am I?

Being in a trauma bonding relationship is a one-way ticket to an identity crisis and low self-esteem. The insatiable craving for dopamine has the victim doubting themselves and seeking attention by all means possible. The victim might slowly slip into mental health issues that will likely outlive the relationship. That’s why it’s advisable to get help on time, as this might affect you long after the relationship’s demise.

#7. Emotional addiction

Of course, at this phase, the victim is hooked with the bait of a toxic cycle. He might have tried to reassure you again, albeit, for a fleeting while. A controller that dangles care and affection at you like a puppy who seeks to be rewarded for good behavior. The occasional love and care bombing is strategically placed to keep the engine of this toxic addiction running.

Check out ways to break out from a trauma bond relationship…

#1. See the proof

Sometimes we say the heart wants what it wants, and other times we know the heart is leading us astray. While you might believe she loves you and is “just going through it…”, focus on the reoccurring evidence. The patterns are ALWAYS the same. “Love-gaslight-addiction-repeat.” Remind yourself of how you’ve become a shadow of yourself, and how much of a captive you truly are in the relationship. It is beneficial to write down how you feel, the things you miss, and the best decisions likely to help you out of this situation.

#2. Ditch could-have-beens

Living in a trauma bond relationship is like living in a bubble. This doesn’t equate the victim’s actions to weakness, but trauma takes the front seat when it comes to clouding a person’s perception and reality. They hope the honeymoon love gets resurrected for a happily ever after story that might never happen. For a possible detachment, you need to start seeing things for what they truly are. A narcissistic behavior that would never end.

#3. Choose healthy relationships

Most times, we find out we are isolated from our loved ones. It might be because we genuinely got carried away in what we felt was a forever moment, or became too self-conscious and started avoiding people. Build new healthy relationships that might help you with a fresh perspective on life. Sometimes these relationships help you see your worth and how much better life could be. Try asking the right questions and hearken to their unbiased perception of the situation.

#4. Keep your distance

This is the hardest part for anyone going through a trauma bond—leaving the scene. If you’ve been working on feeling your emotions, learning how healthy relationships work, and consciously trying to get yourself back, it becomes inevitable that it’s a lifelong journey of self-love. The next step would be to distance yourself from this toxic environment, knowing that you deserve a better shot at life.

#5. Seek professional help

Trauma bond relationships run deep, and a trauma-centric therapist can help guide you on a detachment and healing journey. Healing from PTSD takes time, but making your healing your responsibility is the first step towards wholeness.

Featured image: Fillipe Gomes | Pexels

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